Welcome to Ellis Toussier-Ades Bigio-Antebi's
National Easy Language Week or... Mayhem in ce Klasrum...
by Dolton Edwards
first published in 1946
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Because we are still bearing some of the scars of our brief skirmish
with II-B English, it is natural that we should be enchanted by
Mr. Bernard Shaw's current campaign for a simplified alphabet.
Obviously, as Mr. Shaw points out, English spelling is in much need
of a general overhauling and streamlining. However, our own resistance
to any change requiring a large expenditure of mental effort in the
near future would cause us to view with some apprehension the
possibility of some day receiving a morning paper printed
in - to us - Greek.
Our own plan would achieve the same end as the legislation proposed by
Mr. Shaw, but in a less shocking manner, as it consists merely of an
acceleration of the normal processes by which the language is
continually modernized.
As a catalytic agent, we would suggest that a National Easy Language
Week be proclaimed, which the President would inaugurate, outlining
some short cut to concentrate on during the week, and to be adopted
during the ensuing year. All school children would be given a holiday,
the lost time being the equivalent of that gained by the spelling
short cut.
In 1946, for example, we would urge the elimination of the soft 'c',
for which we would substitute 's'. Sertainly, such an improvement
would be selebrated in all sivic-minded sircles as being suffisiently
worth the trouble, and students in all sities in the land would be
reseptive towards any change eliminating the nesessity of learning
the differense between the two letters.
In 1947, sinse only the hard 'c' would be left, it would be possible
to substitute 'k' for it, both letters being pronounsed identikally.
Imagine how greatly only two years of this prosess would klarify the
konfusion in the minds of students. Already we would have eliminated
an entire letter from the alphabet.
Typewriters and linotypes, kould all be built with one less letter,
and all the manpower and materials previously devoted to making 'c's
kould be turned towards raising the national standard of living.
In the fase of so many notable improvements, it is easy to foresee
that by 1948, 'National Easy Language Week' would be a pronounsed
suksess. All skhool tshildren would be looking forward with konsiderable
exsitement to the holiday, and in a blaze of national publisity it
would be announsed that the double konsonant 'ph' no longer existed,
and that the sound would henseforth be written 'f' in all words.
This would make sutsh words as 'fonograf' twenty persent shorter in
print.
By 1949, publik interest in a fonetik alfabet kan be expekted to have
inkreased to the point where a more radikal step forward kan be taken
without fear of undue kritisism. We would therefore urge the
elimination, at that time of al unesesary double leters, whitsh,
although quite harmles, have always been a nuisanse in the language
and a desided deterent to akurate speling. Try it yourself in the
next leter you write, and see if both writing and reading are not
fasilitated.
With so mutsh progres already made, it might be posible in 1950 to
delve further into the posibilities of fonetik speling. After due
konsideration of the reseption aforded the previous steps, it should
be expedient by this time to spel al difthongs fonetikaly. Most
students do not realize that the long 'i' and 'y', as in 'time' and
'by', are aktualy the difthong 'ai', as it is writen in 'aisle', and
that the long 'a' in 'fate', is in reality the difthong 'ei' as in
'rein'. Although perhaps not imediately aparent, the saving in taime
and efort wil be tremendous when we leiter elimineite the sailent 'e',
as meide posible bai this last tsheinge.
For, as is wel known, the horible mes of 'e's apearing in our written
language is kaused prinsipaly bai the present nesesity of indikeiting
whether a vowel is long or short. Therefore, in 1951 we kould simply
eliminate al sailent 'e's, and kontinu to read and wrait merily along
as though we wer in an atomik ag of edukation.
In 1951 we would urg a greit step forward. Sins bai this taim it would
hav been four years sins anywun had used the leter 'c', we would sugest
that 'National Easy Languag Week' for 1951 be devoted to substitution
of 'c' for 'th'. To be sur it would be som taim befor peopl would bekom
akustomd to reading ceir newspapers and buks wic sutsh sentenses in
cem as 'Ceodor caught he had cre cousand cistles crust crough ce cik
of his cumb.'
In ce seim maner, bai meiking eatsh leter hav its own sound and cat
sound only, we kould shorten ce languag still mor. In 1952 we would
eliminate ce 'y'; cen in 1953 we would us ce leter to indikeit ce 'sh'
sound, cerbai klarifaiing words laik yugar and yur, as wel as redusing
bai wun mor leter al words laik 'yut', 'yore', and so forc. Cink, cen,
of al ce benefits to be geind bai ce distinktion whitsh wil cen be
meid between words laik:
ocean .. . . now writen oyean
machine . . now writen mayin
racial . . . . now writen reiyial
Al suty divers weis of wraiting wun sound would no longer exist, and
whenever wun kaim akros a 'y' sound he would know exaktli what to
wrait.
Kontinuing cis proses, year after year, we would eventuali hav a reali
sensibl writen languag. Bai 1975, wi ventyer too sei, cer wood bi no
mor ov ciz teribl trublsm difikultiz, wic no too leters ioozd too
indikeit ce seim noiz, and laikwais no too noiziz ritn wic ce seim
leter. Iven Mr. Yor, wi beliv, wood bi hapi in ce nolij hiz drimz
fainali keim troo.
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