PERMISSION IS GIVEN to reproduce this translation in print, or on video or audio tape, or in electronic form, on condition that a copy is sent to Ellis Toussier and this copyright notice is always included. This play may also be performed without cost to the audience, if Ellis Toussier is sent an invitation to be present.

Any commercial use of this play requires written permission from Ellis Toussier ($100 dlls +3% royalties).

A living room furnished modestly but with elegance and comfort: inexpensive luxuries... framed posters on the wall, Japanese ceramics, etc. In the rear stage there is a door leading out to the hall. To the right, midstage, there is a door. To the left, midstage, there is a door going to Leroy's room. To the left, frontstage, a fireplace with a mirror. To the right, frontstage, a bed. At the foot of the bed, a bench the entire width of the bed. At the head of the bed, on the side facing the audience, a table of various levels. On this table, a candle which is lit, and a bottle of medicine. On the other side of the bed, a large chair. On the wall between the rear door and left door, a small woman's desk, which is open. To the right of the desk, a chair. Near the fireplace, near the front of the stage and with the back turned to the audience, a large chair. On this chair, a sweater and a woman's blouse. On the fireplace, a pendulum, and a candelabra. Further to the right, a bottle of water and glasses. To the left, a box of matches, and a lamp. Against the wall, to the right of the rear door, a sofa. In the corner, a small table placed in diagonal. Thrown on the foot of the bed, a woman's blanket. On the floor, in view of the audience, a pair of women's slippers, belonging to Yvonne. On the other side, a pair of slippers which belong to Leroy. On the ceiling, a lamp which is turned on and off by a lightswitch which is on the left of the rear door. On the desk, some writing utensils, paper, etc.

Part I

When the curtain goes up, the stage is dark, lit only by the candle that is on the small table to the right of the bed. Yvonne, lying in bed, is profoundly asleep. We can hear her breathing deeply, regularly. After five seconds, a bell rings. Yvonne stirs in her sleep. She sighs deeply and turns in her bed, still asleep. Ten seconds later the bell rings again. Yvonne, who is lying on her left side, opens her eyes swollen with sleep, raises her head a bit, then says:

YVONNE:
(BELL RINGS) What's that? (BELL RINGS AGAIN) Ach! I'll bet it's Leroy that has forgotten his keys again! (THROWS OFF HER BLANKETS) It's stupid for him to ring so much! (SHE JUMPS OUT OF BED. SHE IS IN HER NIGHTGOWN, BAREFOOT. BELL RINGS TWICE, INSISTENTLY. SHE'S FURIOUS.) I'm coming! (SHE GRABS HER COMB AND QUICKLY PUTS ON HER SLIPPERS. BELL RINGS...) I'm coming! I'm coming! (SHE DOESN'T HAVE TIME TO COMB HER HAIR. SHE RUNS TO THE DOOR OF THE HALLWAY:) Who is it?!!

VOICE OF LEROY:
(AS IF AFRAID TO BE SCOLDED) It's me... Leroy... I forgot my keys.

YVONNE:
Ah! Of course! (WE HEAR THE SOUND OF THE LOCKS OPENING AS SHE OPENS THE DOORS) How nice of you to come home at this hour of the morning! Come on! Get in!
(SHE KNEELS ON HER BED, HER BACK TO THE PUBLIC. IN THE MEANTIME, LEROY HAS ENTERED, WE HEAR HIM LATCH THE SAFETY CHAIN BACK ON THE DOOR. WHEN HIS WIFE SAYS "Come on! Get in!" HE APPEARS. HE IS WEARING A SANTA CLAUS COSTUME, UNDER A RAINCOAT WHICH IS MUCH TOO SMALL FOR HIM. AROUND THE RAISED NECK OF THE RAINCOAT, A KNOTTED HANDKERCHIEF. HE IS WEARING WHITE GLOVES, WHICH ARE SOAKING WET; HIS LARGE BLACK BOOTS ARE WET AND FULL OF MUD. THE BACK OF THE RAINCOAT IS FULL OF MUD. WHEN HE ENTERS HE IS CARRYING A LAMP, A LARGE SANTA CLAUS BAG, AND HIS UMBRELLA. HIS BAG GETS STUCK ON THE DOOR WHEN HE GOES THROUGH DOORWAY. YVONNE GETS BACK IN BED)
Well ? Are you waiting to come in tomorrow?

LEROY:
Look, please forgive me. (AS HE SAYS THIS HE TURNS ON THE SWITCH, WHICH LIGHTS UP A LARGE CHANDELIER)

YVONNE:
Ah! You ask me to forgive you! You should have taken your keys with you! Do you think I like being awakened when I'm sleeping?

LEROY:
Did I wake you up?

YVONNE:
Did you wake me up, at this hour?!! Of course you woke me up! You didn't think I'd be waiting up for you all night, did you?!!

LEROY:
Oh, that's good! (GOES TO THE CHIMNEY TO LEAVE HIS LAMP. TRIES TO PUT OUT HIS LIGHT, BUT STOPS WITH YVONNE'S VOICE)

YVONNE:
What do you mean "that's good!"? Are you pleased with yourself that you woke me up?

LEROY:
No!!!... I meant it's good that you didn't wait up for me. (HE TURNS OFF HIS LAMP, PUTS IT BY THE FIREPLACE, PUTS HIS CANE NEAR THE CORNER OF THE LATTER, THEN HIS UMBRELLA SPILLING WATER UNDER HIS ARMS, GOES TOWARDS THE BED, DRYING HIS COLD HANDS UNDER HIS WET GLOVES.)

YVONNE:
Do you think it's right to come home at this hour?

LEROY:
(TAKING OFF HIS GLOVES) It was raining, and I couldn't find a taxi. There weren't any busses either... Besides, I can never find a bus coming to this neighborhood...

YVONNE:
I'm sure they must have their hours also!

LEROY:
Oh, but it's only... (AT THIS MOMENT THE CLOCK STRIKES 4 BELLS)

YVONNE:
Listen! It's four ten.

LEROY:
Why four "ten"?

YVONNE:
Because the clock is ten minutes late, that's why!

LEROY:
But that's impossible! It must not have the correct time. When I left the party...

YVONNE:
Yes, sure! You're going to tell me it was midnight...

LEROY:
No, not midnight, but...

YVONNE:
I know... I know... When men arrive at these hours of the night, it's always their wive's clocks that are off...

LEROY:
Oh, you exaggerate! In any case, we had agreed that I would come back late, since I was going to the Quart-Z-Arts Masquerade Ball. You couldn't have expected me to leave before it began...

YVONNE:
It would have been better if you hadn't gone at all! Is that a place for you to be? What did they think, seeing you, a married man, at the Quart-Z-Arts Masquerade Ball?!!

LEROY:
(WHO HAS BEEN SPILLING WATER FROM HIS RAINCOAT ON THE FLOOR) Oh, nobody even noticed that I was there at all!

YVONNE:
(SUDDENLY, BEATING HIM) But, look what you're doing!!!

LEROY:
(FALLING ONTO THE BED) What?

YVONNE:
(SHOUTING) Your raincoat! You're wetting the rug!!!

LEROY:
Who, me? (HE LOOKS DOWN TO SEE, AT WHICH POINT HIS HAT POURS SOME MORE WATER ON THE RUG.)

YVONNE:
Ach! Now your hat! It's pouring water on the rug! It's disgusting!

LEROY:
(RUSHING TO THE REAR DOOR TO LEAVE HIS HAT AND RAINCOAT) Oh, I'm sorry!

YVONNE:
You wet everything!

LEROY:
It was the rain!

YVONNE:
Yes, sure... Just look at your pants! Where did you get those from?

LEROY:
I found them at the Five and Ten...

YVONNE:
Well then take them back, or throw them away!... Oh, my goodness! And look at your coat... Take it off! I don't suppose you expect to sleep with it, do you?

LEROY:
Yes, of course... I'll take it off... (HE PUTS IT ON THE CHAIR WHICH IS TO THE RIGHT OF THE DOOR, THEN SETS HIS BAG AGAINST THE FIREPLACE.)

YVONNE:
(SEEING LEROY SHIVERING) What's the matter now?

LEROY:
Oh, it's nothing... I'm cold, that's all.

YVONNE:
Ah! Maybe you would like me to comfort you, too...

LEROY:
That's O.K. You asked me, so I told you...

YVONNE:
Well, that'll teach you to stay out all night. (LEROY GOES TO THE CHIMNEY AND WARMS HIS HANDS.) What are you doing by the fireplace?

LEROY:
I'm trying to warm my hands...

YVONNE:
Well, the fire isn't on!...

LEROY:
Oh... I thought it was on... Habit, you know... When there's fire, this is where I come to...

YVONNE:
Oh, stop jabbering!...

LEROY:
It's not nice of you to take away my illusion... My hands were already beginning to get warm...

YVONNE:
Sure... you warm yourself with your illusions, don't you?!! Well, from now on, go jump in the lake!

LEROY:
Oh, here we go again...

YVONNE:
To think that we've barely been married for two years, and you leave me alone all night to go to the Quart-Z-Arts Ball!

LEROY:
Look, please... I'm tired... you can fight with me tomorrow...

YVONNE:
Oh, I won't fight with you anymore...

LEROY:
You don't seem to understand that I'm an artist... and an artist has to go out into the world to see, to feel... to form his spirit!

YVONNE:
Oh, no! Just listen to that! You're a cashier at Macy's... how does going to the Quart-Z-Arts Ball help your career?

LEROY:
(ANGRY) I'm not a cashier at Macy's! I'm a painter! I'm an artist!

YVONNE:
You're a painter! You scribble some colors together and you call that painting?

LEROY:
(ANGRY) I scribble...!

YVONNE:
Yes! As long as you don't sell anything, you just scribble! Or are you telling me you've sold anything?

LEROY:
No, I haven't sold anything... It's obvious I haven't sold anything... because nobody has bought anything yet... but...

YVONNE:
But!!! Ach! There's only one thing you've ever painted well...

LEROY:
(PLEASED) What?

YVONNE:
The bathroom walls!

LEROY:
Oh, very funny! I'm a better artist than you think I am! And as an artist, it's just natural that I should go out seeking new sensations, to inspire my paintings...

YVONNE:
Go on! Just say you go out to look for sensations... but don't call it art!

LEROY:
I'm leaving!

YVONNE:
(THROWING OFF HER BED COVERS) No... but... (SHE RUNS TO LEROY... SHE GRABS HIM AND TURNS HIM TOWARDS HER...) Just describe one of your arty sensations to me...

LEROY:
Sure!

YVONNE:
Well, then describe it!... Just one!

LEROY:
For example, the entrance of Amphitrite... (LOOKS HER UP AND DOWN WITH A DISDAINFUL SMILE) I suppose you don't even know who or what is Amphitrite...

YVONNE:
Of course I do... it's a disease of the bones...

LEROY:
A what?!!

YVONNE:
A disease of the bones... I know! The joints!

LEROY:
She's a goddess of the sea!

YVONNE:
Oh... So what? I confused her with Atherites.

LEROY:
There's no similarity between the two...

YVONNE:
So big deal... it's possible to make a mistake! My mother has Atherites!

LEROY:
Your mother has artheritis... Fine! Well, when the float came in, that was a great artistic sensation! A beautiful girl, completely nude, in a shell, carried by sirens!

YVONNE:
A beautiful girl, completely nude?!!

LEROY:
Completely nude!

YVONNE:
You call that decent?

LEROY:
Oh, so that's what's bothering you... Well, there was nothing indecent about it...

YVONNE:
Really? Well, I can do that too!

LEROY:
What? Don't be ridiculous! She had a gorgeous body! And beautiful breasts, too!

YVONNE:
Thanks!

LEROY:
Thanks? For what?

YVONNE:
You're very polite...

LEROY:
Of course you're not so bad yourself... your breasts are pretty nice, too... but... they're nothing compared to the ones of the model!.. (GOES TO THE CHIMNEY TO UNDO HIS SHIRT)

YVONNE:
Oh, really? (SHE UNBUTTONS HER NIGHTGOWN) And what don't you like about my breasts? (SHE OPENS HER NIGHTGOWN FOR LEROY TO SEE)

LEROY:
Huh? I don't know... for example... that... (HE POINTS TO HER CHEST)

YVONNE:
Stop! I forbid you to touch! Go touch your model, since you like her breasts better than mine!

LEROY:
Oh, you're so childish!

YVONNE:
Go on, tell me! What don't you like about my breasts?

LEROY:
Oh, they're fine... but for example here they sag a little.

YVONNE:
They sag?!! My breasts sag?!!

LEROY:
Which makes them droop a bit...

YVONNE:
They droop a bit?!! My breasts droop?!! You're crazy! (SHE TAKES LEROY BY THE ARM AND PUSHES HIM TO THE MIDDLE OF THE STAGE)

LEROY:
Hey!

YVONNE:
(OPENS A DOOR AND CALLS OUT) Annette! Annette!

(VOICE OF ANNETTE, SLEEPY):
Yes M'um?

YVONNE:
Annette, wake up!

LEROY:
Annette?

YVONNE:
You heard me!

(VOICE OF ANNETTE):
Yes, M'um!

LEROY:
Annette? Is that Annette in my bedroom?

YVONNE:
Yes, so what? It's Annette...

LEROY:
This is the limit! The maid, in my bedroom? You let the maid sleep on my bed?!

YVONNE:
No... but did you expect me to be alone in the apartment while you were out at your party? Oh, no, thank you! I get frightened, you know...

LEROY:
But the maid... sleeping on my bed?!! Where do you expect me to sleep now?

YVONNE:
There! (POINTS TO HIS BEDROOM)

LEROY:
With the maid?!!

YVONNE:
Why with the maid? Now that you're back, Annette will go to her room... and you can sleep in your own bed...

LEROY:
Are you kidding? Do you think I'm going to sleep on her bed sheets?

YVONNE:
They're not her bed sheets... they're yours!

LEROY:
I don't care! After she has slept on those bed sheets, they're her bed sheets... and I'm not going to sleep on her bed sheets!

YVONNE:
Of course you're not! But if it had been your model that had been lying on the bed sheets, I'm sure you wouldn't mind using her same bed sheets... especially if your model would still be in them!

LEROY:
All right, that's enough!...

YVONNE:
You would prefer that, wouldn't you, you pig!

LEROY:
(FURIOUS) Oh, leave me alone!

ANNETTE COMES IN FROM THE LEFT, LOOKING SLEEPY. SHE HAS ON A CHEAP NIGHTGOWN. HER LONG HAIR IS UNCOMBED, TIED IN THE BACK, CHEAP SLIPPERS. SHE SPEAKS WITH AN UNEDUCATED ACCENT.)

ANNETTE:
Yes M'um? You call me?

YVONNE:
Yes! Do you know what my husband said?

ANNETTE:
No, M'um...

YVONNE:
He said my breasts sag and droop!

ANNETTE:
Ah!... Yes, M'um... O.K...

LEROY:
Did you wake her up to tell her that?

YVONNE:
I want her to tell you herself what she thinks of my breasts, so you will see that not everybody thinks they're ugly like you do... Annette... What did you tell me the other day about my breasts?

ANNETTE:
I don' know, M'um...

YVONNE:
Yes you do! I was getting dressed... I said "I'll bet there aren't many women with breasts as firm as these..." What did you answer?

ANNETTE:
Oh, yes! I say "Dat's true, M'um... Mine, compare' to yors, dey looks like two bags!"

YVONNE:
There! You see?!!

LEROY:
So what?!! So what does that prove? Who cares what Annette said to you? Besides, I never said you don't have nice breasts... but there's a big difference between nice breasts and beautiful breasts!

(WHILE THEY ARGUE, ANNETTE IS SLEEPY AND GOES TO SIT NEAR THE CHIMNEY)

YVONNE:
Oh, really? Well, from now on you just go ahead and make fun of somebody else's breasts!

LEROY:
(PUTS HIS HANDS NEAR HER BREASTS) Fine!

YVONNE:
No touching! Keep your hands off of me!

LEROY:
(FURIOUS) Ach! We'll see!

YVONNE:
If they don't make you happy, then they'll make someone else happy... Someone who appreciates them! (SHE IS ON THE RIGHT, AND LEAPS ON HER BED)

LEROY:
(FURIOUS, TWO HANDS IN HIS POCKETS) That's fine with me! Keep them for somebody else! Ach! The patience I have to have with you...!!! (WITHOUT LOOKING BACKWARDS, HE LETS HIMSELF DROP INTO THE LARGE CHAIR, WHICH HE THINKS IS EMPTY, BUT HE FALLS ON TOP OF ANNETTE, WHO IS SLEEPING.)

ANNETTE:
(JUMPS AND YELLS) Ach!!!

LEROY:
(JUMPS UP, AND FURIOUS) Eh! Go on! Get to your room, Annette!

ANNETTE:
Is dis what you gets me up for?

LEROY:
It wasn't I who got you up!!! It was my wife!

ANNETTE:
I would ha' been better if you'd ha' left me sleepin'!

YVONNE:
Very well, Annette... We can do very well without your comments... And since you're already up, please go back to sleep in your own bedroom...

LEROY:
Oh, no she won't!... She slept in that bed, now let her keep it! I'm sleeping here!

YVONNE:
What? Here with me? Oh, no you're not!

LEROY:
Oh, yes I am! You can sleep wherever you want to, but you're my wife, and this is OUR bed... so I'm sleeping here!

YVONNE:
Oh, really? Well, if you're expecting you'll do anything with me, you'd better know right now... you're going to get no where!!!

LEROY:
(SHRUGS HIS SHOULDERS) Oh, darn! Am I asking you for anything? (HE SITS BY THE SIDE OF THE BED AND BEGINS TO REMOVE HIS SHOES)

YVONNE:
(REARRANGING THE BEDCOVERS) Well, in that case... O.K...

LEROY:
(SUDDENLY, TO ANNETTE, WHO IS STANDING HALF ASLEEP, LEANING AGAINST THE DOORWAY OF THE LEFT DOOR:) And you!... Get to bed!

ANNETTE:
(OFFENDED) Yes, Suh...

LEROY:
Go on, Sleeping Beauty! Get out of here!...

ANNETTE:
What a job! (SHE LEAVES, SHRUGGING HER SHOULDERS)

YVONNE:
Ach! Don't expect that you can excite yourself with another woman, and then expect to make love to me! I don't play second fiddle to nobody!...

LEROY:
(FED UP) Look... complain tomorrow... right now, I'm tired...

YVONNE:
(GETS UNDER THE BEDCOVERS, AND TURNS HER BACK ON LEROY) Oh, of course! Instead of talking it out with me, it's better to turn around and go to sleep!

LEROY:
Well, then, the subject is closed! We agree! Now, turn around and go to sleep!

YVONNE:
I have no reason to be angry because you came back at this hour of the morning, after spending a night at your nudist masquerade party!

LEROY:
(FURIOUS, JUMPS UP AND STARTS TO GET DRESSED AGAIN) Listen! It wasn't a nudist masquerade party! And if you don't like it, I'll leave!

YVONNE:
Well, leave if you want to!

LEROY:
(LIMPING ACROSS THE STAGE WITH ONE SHOE ON, ONE SHOE OFF) Oh! Damn! (RETURNING TO THE BED) Besides, what the hell do I care what the maid says? To begin with, if she's only comparing her own breasts to yours, then she can't...

YVONNE:
(SITTING UP) Oh, so then you want to have another opinion?!! Well then, fine! You invited your friends over to dinner tomorrow... I'll show them my breasts and we'll ask them their opinion!

LEROY:
(SCANDALIZED) But... Are you crazy?!!

YVONNE:
Why not? You said yourself that there's nothing wrong with a woman showing her breasts!

LEROY:
There's nothing wrong with it, when she's nude!

YVONNE:
Well, then I'll show it to them nude!

LEROY:
You're nuts! You're absolutely nuts! You're not a model!

YVONNE:
Of course! I'm nuts! First you say I have drooping breasts and then when I ask for another opinion, you say I'm nuts!!! Well... we'll see about that!!!

LEROY:
Ach, no! Stop! Stop!... I can't take more of your screams!

YVONNE:
Well then, get to bed, why don't you? Or do you expect to remain like that... half-naked... all night?

LEROY:
No... (RUBS HIS STOMACH)

YVONNE:
Well, then, what's the matter now?

LEROY:
(LOOKING MISERABLE) I have a stomach ache...

YVONNE:
Ach! Something else, now...

LEROY:
I wish Annette could make me a cup of tea...

YVONNE:
(GETS UP) Very well! I'll get you a cup of tea!

LEROY:
But who's asking you to get up? I can make my own tea!

YVONNE:
Oh, no, you don't! I don't want you to say later on that you had a stomach ache and I left you without tea! I know what a good wife's duty is! And I intend to fulfill it... (GOES TOWARDS THE LEFT DOOR)

LEROY:
Oh, well... all right... (SITS DOWN)

YVONNE:
(CALLS FROM DOOR) Annette!

(ANGRY VOICE OF ANNETTE:)
Ach! Oh, no!!!

YVONNE:
Annette, get up! VOICE OF

ANNETTE:
Again?!!

YVONNE:
What do you mean, "again"?!! Get up and make a cup of tea for Mr. Leroy! (SHE GOES AND STARTS TO LIGHT THE CHIMNEY)

LEROY:
Oh! You certainly know how to bother that poor maid!

YVONNE:
What? Oh, now, that's a good one! Now it's me that bothers her... Who is the tea for, I ask you? Eh? Who is it for? Is it for me? Huh?! Tell me?!!

LEROY:
It's for my supper... the supper that got stuck in my throat somewhere... That's who it's for...

YVONNE:
Yes! That's right... for your supper! It's always the same... A wife isn't necessary when it's time to have fun, but she's good enough when you need someone to take away your aches and pains.

LEROY:
Tell me, dear...

YVONNE:
Yes...

LEROY:
Do you think that tea will be ready soon?

YVONNE:
Well, give it some time... it has to boil, you know...

LEROY:
(RESIGNED) Yes... (PAUSE... BURP... WITH PAIN IN HIS VOICE) Ach!

YVONNE:
What is it?

LEROY:
I think I want to vomit...

YVONNE:
Oh, no! (MAKES HIM LIE DOWN) I didn't marry you so that you would come here and vomit!

LEROY:
Well, I didn't say "I'm going to vomit"... I said "I want to vomit"... You know very well that I never vomit when I want to...

YVONNE:
(APOLOGETIC) Yes... I know... I'm sorry... (SHE GETS BACK IN BED)

ANNETTE:
(SULKING, BRINGS TEA AND SUGAR... SHE IS IN A WHITE NIGHTGOWN, AND HER SOCKS ARE FALLEN TO HER ANKLES... SHE STICKS TEA BAG INTO HOT WATER) Work! Work! Dis is all I do since I've been here...

YVONNE:
Well, complain to Mr. Leroy... He's the one who is sick...

LEROY:
(IN A SICK VOICE) Oh... my stomach hurts...

ANNETTE:
Well, mebbe if you hadn't ha' gone out all night on de town...

LEROY:
Oh, no! Now you're not going to tell me how I have to live my life, also, are you?

ANNETTE:
Well, dat's what I thinks!

LEROY:
Yes, sure... well, then, now... Get back to your room and leave me in peace...

ANNETTE:
Oh, dat would be just exactly what I wants to do...

LEROY:
(TO YVONNE) Oh, no...

ANNETTE:
Oh, yes!

LEROY:
(FURIOUS) I'm speaking to my wife! Can I?

ANNETTE:
Oh... (EXITS)

LEROY:
Oh, no! So now the maid is also going to be giving her opinion on how I have to live...

YVONNE:
I don't see why you have to jump on her! She's right... if you hadn't gone out on a night on the town, maybe now you wouldn't have a stomach ache...

LEROY:
Maybe that's true, but there's no reason why she should stick her two bits in where nobody is asking her... That is, unless I also have to be explaining to her everything I do... I went to have supper because I was hungry... there! And also because I was with friends, who suggested we should go get a bite to eat... Is there something wrong with that?

YVONNE:
No, there's nothing wrong with that... But it's stupid to eat until you get sick! (A LONG SILENCE... THEN DISDAINFULLY:) So... Who paid?

LEROY:
Who paid what?!!

YVONNE:
The bill... at the restaurant...

LEROY:
Nobody did...

YVONNE:
What do you mean, nobody did? Who paid the bill at the restaurant?!!

LEROY:
That is to say... Everybody did... Everybody paid their own bill...

YVONNE:
Hummm... I'm surprised you didn't pay everybody else's bill... since you always do everything to please your friends...

LEROY:
Me?!!!

YVONNE:
Of course, you! You're stingy at home, but when you're with your friends, then you always try to show how splendid you are!

LEROY:
Me?!! Me, try to show how splendid I am?!! I can't believe it! Me?! Me, try to show how splendid I am!!!

YVONNE:
Why, anybody can just look at you and see it's true... Why do you always like to dress up as Santa Claus? Santa Claus! Hah! Can you believe that? Santa Claus! It's ridiculous!

LEROY:
Oh, wait a minute! You're crazy! Kids love to see me as Santa Claus! I'm the best Santa Claus Macy's has ever had! Lots of people have told me so... adults, too!

YVONNE:
Oh, yes! You love strutting around dressed like Santa Claus! It makes you feel generous, I suppose... promising all those kids presents you'll never have to buy...

LEROY:
Oh! So you don't think I'm a good Santa Claus?! That's just great! Wonderful! You're right... It's true... I love dressing up as Santa Claus!

YVONNE:
(AFTER A PAUSE, AND VERY COLD) How much was it?

LEROY:
How much was what?

YVONNE:
The bill... How much did you spend?

LEROY:
The bill for what? For my pastrami and coke? Eight fifty... There! Are you satisfied?

YVONNE:
Eight fifty for a pastrami and coke? What was it, a triple decker at the Waldorf Astoria?

LEROY:
No, it wasn't a triple decker... it was a normal, large pastrami... and it wasn't at the Waldorf Astoria... it was at Sammy's Deli...

YVONNE:
Oh... A fancy place, Sammy's Deli...

LEROY:
Fancy place? Yeah! They serve a decent pastrami sandwich!.. Do I need your permission to eat at Sammy's? Am I allowed to have a large pastrami sandwich when I'm hungry?

YVONNE:
Sure! You can have a large pastrami sandwich... You can also have a large stomach ache from eating your large pastrami sandwich and coke! When I bought a bottle of Rose-Coty, you said I was driving you to bankruptcy... But then you go and spend eight dollars and fifty cents for a pastrami sandwich... plus tip, I suppose... But that's O.K.! Well, at least I'm still using my bottle of Rose-Coty... but you... Just tell me where your pastrami sandwich is now?

LEROY:
I don't believe it...

YVONNE:
Sure... you don't believe it... Like you don't believe you should pay the plumber, either...

LEROY:
And why do you say I don't believe I should pay the plumber? That rat fink came and fixed the bathroom, and wants to charge $350 dollars for it... I'll pay him... but I won't pay him $350 dollars!!!

YVONNE:
Yes, of course not... The reason I mention the plumber is because he came to collect today...

LEROY:
Oh?

YVONNE:
And he said that he's tired of coming to collect. If you don't pay up, and quick, he says he's going to sue you!

LEROY:
He said that?

YVONNE:
Yes...

LEROY:
Ach! It's blackmail! (TO THE DOOR, AS IF TO THE PLUMBER) Very well, mister! (TO YVONNE) It just so happens, I was planning on making a large payment to him, but now, since he said that... He can just go ahead and rot!

YVONNE:
Sure... That way you can go ahead and have another pastrami and coke with your friends...

LEROY:
What?!! It was only eight fifty!

YVONNE:
Plus tip...

LEROY:
Plus tip! I wasn't going to pay a $350 dollar debt with eight fifty...
(YVONNE SHOOTS HIM A DIRTY LOOK)

LEROY:
Plus tip!!!

YVONNE:
Of course not... but you could have saved it, so you could have at least made a small payment to the plumber... Just so that he doesn't think you're trying to hide from him...

LEROY:
I'm not trying to hide from him! I just don't think it's fair that I should have to pay him $350 dollars for coming here for 10 minutes and unclogging the toilet!

YVONNE:
It was half an hour...

LEROY:
O.K.!!! So it was half an hour!!!

YVONNE:
You should have asked him how much he was going to charge before you asked him to come...

LEROY:
I should have asked him?!! You were the one that was home when he came!

YVONNE:
Yes, but you were the one who phoned him and asked him to come! No... really... If I were you, I'd have a stomach ache also!

LEROY:
Well, I have a stomach ache also! I have a stomach ache! Are you happy? I have a stomach ache!

YVONNE:
(SCREAMING AS LOUD AS HE)
So you have a stomach ache! Well don't scream! Look at the time it is and I have to listen to you arguing for half an hour! What are the neighbors going to think?

LEROY:
Ach! No! That's the limit!!! Now it's me that's been arguing with you!!!

YVONNE:
Well, why don't you go to sleep? You said you were tired, didn't you?

LEROY:
Fine! Then let's go to sleep! I'm dying to get to sleep! (SITS ON THE FOOT OF THE BED)

YVONNE:
Fine! (KICKS HIM) Then get off my foot! And now let me go to sleep! Good night!

LEROY:
(GETS UNDER THE COVERS) Good night!
(PLACES HIS FOOT ON THE LOWER BAR OF THE BED, SO AS TO RAISE HIS KNEES AND UNFASTEN HIS UNDERWEAR)
Ah! To be able to sleep, at last!
(HE THROWS THE UNDERWEAR OUT FROM UNDER THE BEDCOVER)
Cats and dogs wouldn't be able to drag me out of bed now...
(LONG PAUSE... SUDDENLY THE DOORBELL RINGS. LEROY AND YVONNE SIT UP, STUNNED. DOORBELL. YVONNE GIVES LEROY A WORRIED LOOK. LEROY STRETCHES AND PICKS UP HIS UNDERWEAR AGAIN, WHICH HE PUTS ON UNDER THE BEDCOVERS)

YVONNE:
(SCARED) Who could that be?

LEROY:
(ALSO WORRIED) I don't know... It's someone at the front door...

YVONNE:
Oh, my God!

LEROY:
I don't think it's a visitor...

YVONNE:
Oh! It must be something very serious, for somebody to dare ring the doorbell at this hour...

LEROY:
Yes... (DOORBELL RINGS AGAIN)

YVONNE:
Again! Oh, Leroy... Leroy... I'm scared!

LEROY:
Come now... Keep your chin up... What's there to be scared of?

YVONNE:
Oh, you're very brave! You're a man... but me... (DOORBELL) Oh!!!

LEROY:
Don't worry...

YVONNE:
But where is it? Where is it?

LEROY:
Where is what?

YVONNE:
My hair brush! Where did I leave my hair brush?

LEROY:
There it is! Next to your lamp...

YVONNE:
Oh, yes... (INSISTENT RINGING)

BOTH:
Oh!

YVONNE:
Oh, it's going to drive me crazy...

LEROY:
And where's Annette? She doesn't move a finger!

YVONNE:
Oh, that maid!

BOTH:
Annette! Annette!

ANNETTE:
(VOICE OFFSTAGE) Huh?!!

YVONNE:
Hurry up! Get up!

ANNETTE:
What?!! Again?!!

YVONNE:
Go on! Hurry up! Get up!

LEROY:
Can't you hear somebody's ringing the doorbell?

ANNETTE:
(VOICE OFFSTAGE) Oh, no! Not again! Dey jus' wants to drive me crazy!

YVONNE:
I just hope it's not something that's got to do with the family...

LEROY:
Oh, of course not! Now, don't go getting panicky...

YVONNE:
Oh... just knock on wood that everybody's O.K.

LEROY:
If anybody was...

YVONNE:
Knock on wood, I'm telling you...

LEROY:
(ASTONISHED) Yes! As I was saying, if anybody was...

YVONNE:
But knock on wood! Knock on wood!

LEROY:
O.K. (HE TAPS THE MARBLE OF THE CHIMNEY, WHICH IS CLOSE TO HIS HAND)

YVONNE:
Ach! Not that! Can't you see it's marble?!!

LEROY:
Oh, I'm too shocked to think straight... (TAPS ON A WOODEN DESK)

YVONNE:
But not with your hand, you dummy! Knock on it... like this!
(SHE KNOCKS ON THE DESK)

LEROY:
O.K.... Like that... (HE KNOCKS ON THE WOODEN DESK)

YVONNE:
Ach! I hope you don't cause a tragedy!
(DOORBELL RINGS INSISTENTLY. YVONNE JUMPS TOWARDS THE DOOR)
What in the world's the matter with that stupid maid?

LEROY:
(ALSO JUMPS TOWARDS THE DOOR) Ach! I wish she would hurry up!
(WHEN ANNETTE APPEARS, EACH ONE TAKES HER BY AN ARM AND PUSH HER IN FRONT.)

ANNETTE:
(TRYING TO TURN AROUND, BUT EACH TIME THEY TURN HER AROUND, CLOCKWISE. ANGRY:)
Oh, no! I had enough! You please pays me what you owes me and I's goin'!

BOTH:
Yes! Yes! But first go open the door! (THE FOLLOWING LINES, CHARACTERS SPEAK ALL TOGETHER)

ANNETTE:
I don't want to make things worse... (DOORBELL)

LEROY:
Go open the door, you blockhead!

YVONNE:
Well go on! Go on!

ANNETTE:
I'll open the door but you pays me what you owes me...

LEROY:
Oh, this maid! This maid! (ANNETTE IS NOW OFF-STAGE. LEROY IS TO THE RIGHT OF THE BACK DOOR AND YVONNE IS TO THE LEFT. FROM HERE ON, SPEAK SEPARATE.)

ANNETTE:
(IN THE HALL) Who is it?!!

VOICE OF JOSEPH:
(OUTSIDE) Joseph, Ma'am! Your mother's new butler.

YVONNE:
(STRESSED) Mother's new butler! Oh, I knew it! I knew it! Something must have happened to my mother! Something must have happened to my mother!

LEROY:
Now, now... Don't cry like that... Don't cry like that...
(SOUND OF DOORLOCK WHICH IS OPENED)
(AS SOON AS JOSEPH ENTERS, YVONNE GRABS HIM AND BRINGS HIM TO FRONT CENTER STAGE. JOSEPH IS DRESSED AS A BUTLER, OR A CHAUFER. AFTER A MOMENT ANNETTE IS HEARD CLOSING THE DOOR. SHE REENTERS AND GOES TO THE CHIMNEY.)

YVONNE:
What's the matter with mother?!! What happened to my mother?!!

JOSEPH:
(VERY EMBARRASSED, LOWERS HIS HEAD) Oh, Ma'am...
(UNEASY, HE TURNS AND LOOKS AT LEROY, WHO HE HADN'T SEEN BEFORE, AND IS SURPRISED TO SEE HIM DRESSED IN SANTA CLAUS COSTUME.) Oh!!!

LEROY:
What's the matter? You've never seen Santa Claus before? Well? Stop looking at me like that, and tell us what you came for!

YVONNE:
Was there an accident?

JOSEPH:
Oh, no, Ma'am...

YVONNE:
(BREATHS) Oh!!! Thank God!

LEROY:
There, you see?!! There wasn't an accident!

JOSEPH:
Only that... she's not so well...

YVONNE:
(ANXIOUSLY)
My mother isn't well?!! She's not well?!! What's wrong? Tell me!!! What's wrong with her?!!

JOSEPH:
Well... you see... she was ill...

YVONNE:
She was ill ! Oh, my God! Is it serious?!!

JOSEPH:
Well... yes...

YVONNE:
Oh, Leroy! Leroy! My mother's very sick! Oh!!! The phone's disconnected! Now you see what you've done?!!! Now that I need the phone, we have no telephone!!!

LEROY:
Calm down, Yvonne... calm down... We'll call from a public telephone...

YVONNE:
What's the matter with my mother? Did they take her to a hospital?

JOSEPH:
No, she's not in the hospital... she's in her own bed...

YVONNE:
Oh, well, then it's not so serious...

LEROY:
You see?!! She's going to be alright!

JOSEPH:
No, it's more serious than that... you see...

YVONNE:
What? What do we see?

JOSEPH:
Well... To be exact... She's dead...

ALL:
Ohhh! (YVONNE FAINTS AND FALLS, CAUGHT BY LEROY)

LEROY:
(THEY ALL SIT, YVONNE STILL FAINTED IN LEROY'S ARMS)
Oh, God, that's what I was afraid of!... Why didn't you tell us before?

JOSEPH:
It's that... I was told not to say it too suddenly, so as to prepare Miss Yvonne for the bad news... (ASIDE) Uuf! She still doesn't seem to have been prepared...

LEROY:
Ach! What a catastrophe! Just when I was going to get some sleep...

ANNETTE:
Oh, Miss Yvonne!.. Miss Yvonne!.. Oh! De poor ting!

LEROY:
Ach! And you had to come here at this time of night to give us such bad news?!!

JOSEPH:
But, Sir... We tried to phone you, but the phone's been disconnected... They told me to...

LEROY:
Ach! They told you!!! Very well... help me with her...

JOSEPH:
Yes, Sir...

ANNETTE:
(WEEPING) Oh, de poor ting! De poor ting!

LEROY:
(TO ANNETTE, PUSHING HER)
And you!!! Go get some salts, instead of standing there crying... "De poor ting! De poor ting!"

ANNETTE:
Yes, Suh... Ach! God! God!

JOSEPH:
(STRAINING TO CARRY YVONNE BY HER ARMPITS, HIS HANDS
CLOSE TO HER BREASTS)
Let's... uh... carry... her... to the bed!!!

LEROY:
Huh? O.K... Hey! What do you think you're doing?!!

JOSEPH:
Why, Sir... I'm trying to carry her to the bed!

LEROY:
What?!! Are you trying to get your kicks carrying her to her bed?!! Can't you see she's not wearing anything beneath her robe?!!

JOSEPH:
No... I can't see... But, then, how do you expect me to carry her? Besides... surely you don't think I'm enjoying myself, lifting her like this...

LEROY:
I don't care if you're enjoying yourself or not enjoying yourself... I'm just telling you I want you to let go of her...
(HE PUSHES JOSEPH, AND STILL ON HIS KNEES PASSES TO THE RIGHT OF YVONNE)
And look... see if that's alcohol over there on the cupboard...

JOSEPH:
(RUNS TO THE CUPBOARD NEAR THE BED) Yes, Sir! Yes...

LEROY:
What a way to manhandle my wife! (SEEING JOSEPH STANDING OVER THE BED) No, not there! Up there, on the cupboard...

JOSEPH:
Yes, Sir... (HE STEPS OVER THE BED TO GET TO THE OTHER SIDE)

LEROY:
Hey! Look out what you're doing! Look what you did to the bed sheets!

JOSEPH:
(OPENS AND SMELLS THE BOTTLE OF ALCOHOL) Oh, sorry, Sir... Yes, Sir! It's alcohol!

LEROY:
Well, give it over here! Oh, Yvonne! My poor Yvonne! (TO JOSEPH)
A towel... Find a towel to dry her forehead...

JOSEPH:
(NOT KNOWING WHERE TO LOOK, TURNS RIGHT, THEN LEFT, LIKE A TOP)
A towel? Where's there a towel?

LEROY:
I don't know, my friend...
(REMOVES THE CORK WITH HIS TEETH. HIS HANDS BUSY, SPEAKS WITH THE CORK BETWEEN HIS TEETH)
If I knew I wouldn't be asking you to find one... Look for one!

JOSEPH:
Oh, maybe...(SEES ONE OF YVONNE'S DRESSES ON A CHAIR ON THE LEFT OF THE STAGE, AND TO GET TO IT TRIPS OVER YVONNE'S LEGS. TAKES THE DRESS...)
Maybe you can use this...

LEROY:
(WHO, DURING THE PREVIOUS INCIDENT WITH JOSEPH, HAS BEEN COMFORTING HIS WIFE WITH "Yvonne! My dear Yvonne!" etc.)
I don't know... What is it?

JOSEPH:
(BRINGS THE DRESS TO LEROY) I think it's a cotton dress...

LEROY:
(THE CORK STILL BETWEEN HIS TEETH)
Well, pass it over... Go on... Get on your knees!
(JOSEPH OBEYS) Roll this up into a pillow... Go on! Roll it up!

JOSEPH:
Yes, Sir...

LEROY:
Good! Now give it over here! And take this...
(GIVES THE BOTTLE OF ALCOHOL TO JOSEPH. JOSEPH, ON HIS KNEES ON THE OTHER SIDE OF YVONNE, TAKES THE BOTTLE FROM LEROY AND GIVES HIM THE DRESS ROLLED INTO A PILLOW. LEROY STILL HAS THE CORK BETWEEN HIS TEETH)
The cork! Get the cork!!!
(JOSEPH LOOKS FOR THE CORK ON THE FLOOR)
Here! In my mouth!!! (JOSEPH TAKES THE CORK FROM HIS MOUTH)
Good! Now give me some alcohol... Some alcohol!!!
(HE HOLDS OUT THE ROLLED DRESS, WHICH JOSEPH SOAKS WITH ALCOHOL, THEN PATS YVONNE'S FOREHEAD WITH IT)
Oh, Yvonne! My poor Yvonne!
(TO JOSEPH) You might have at least waited until tomorrow to bring us such terrible news!

JOSEPH:
Don't think I liked coming, Sir...

LEROY:
Well we didn't like it, either! (TO YVONNE) Yvonne, darling...
(TO JOSEPH) Why, in such a hurry? It's too bad about my mother in law... But so what? From now until tomorrow morning, she wouldn't have gone anywhere... And at least my wife wouldn't have had such a terrible night...
(A HALF TONE LOWER) And at least I might have gotten some sleep...

JOSEPH:
I'm really sorry, Sir... Next time I'll know...

LEROY:
Next time? The woman is dead... How do you think there will ever be a next time... I will make sure my mother doesn't ever hire you!!!

JOSEPH:
No, Sir... I meant... I don't know what I meant, Sir...

ANNETTE:
(COMES WITH A LARGE SALT SHAKER, PASSING IN FRONT OF JOSEPH, PUTS IT UNDER LEROY'S NOSE)
Here you is, Suh!

LEROY:
(TURNING HIS HEAD, LOOKS AT THE SHAKER, THEN AT ANNETTE)
What's that?

ANNETTE:
It's de salt, Suh!

LEROY:
Well, what do you expect me to do with it?!

ANNETTE:
I don't know, Suh... You ask't me for de salt, Suh!

LEROY:
I asked you for smelling salts, not table salt! What do you expect me to do, sprinkle her with salt?

ANNETTE:
I don' know, Suh! I ain't a doctor!
(SHE PLACES THE SALT SHAKER ON THE CHIMNEY)
Oh, poor Miss Yvonne!

LEROY:
(SEES YVONNE, REGAINING CONSCIOUSNESS)
Look! She opened her eyes! Look out, there! Give her room to breathe!
(HE HANDS THE ROLLED DRESS TO JOSEPH, WHO GOES NEXT TO ANNETTE, BY THE CHIMNEY. MECHANICALLY, HE STICKS THE ROLLED DRESS INTO THE RIGHT POCKET OF HIS COAT. LEROY SLIDES OVER YVONNE'S BACK AND SITS NEXT TO HER, ON THE FLOOR... )
Yvonne! Yvonne, my darling!

YVONNE:
(COMING TO HER SENSES, LOOKS LEFT AND RIGHT) What happened?

LEROY:
Nothing, darling... Everything's going to be all right!

YVONNE:
Why am I on the floor? (SHE LOOKS AT JOSEPH)
Oh!... Oh!... Oh, it's Mother! Oh, my poor mother! Oh!!!
(SHE BURSTS OUT CRYING ON LEROY'S CHEST)

LEROY:
(TRIES TO CONSOLE HER)
There! There! Cry, darling! Cry! Cry! It's good for you! There! There! My poor, dear, darling!

ANNETTE:
Ach! Oh, God, Miss Yvonne! Poor Miss Yvonne!

LEROY:
Courage, my dear! Have courage! Hope is not lost!

YVONNE:
(CRYING, AND ANGRY) But what's there left to hope for?!! She's gone! What hope can there be, since she's dead?! My mother's dead! Oh!!!

LEROY:
That's it, darling... the worst is over... She's finally resting!.. She's not suffering anymore! Just think how much she suffered with her emphyzema!

YVONNE:
Oh! My poor mother! It was the damned cigarettes that killed her! I told her not to smoke!

LEROY:
Yes, yes, my darling... Just think that she's not suffering anymore... now it's we, the living, that must suffer... (WITH SPITE, ASIDE) She's resting, the old bitch... Now, it's the rest of us that have to suffer!

YVONNE:
(SHAKES HER HEAD SADLY)
Who would ever have thought I'd lose her so suddenly?!!

LEROY:
(SIGHS) Ah! Yes... Just when I was thinking how I would pay all those bills... That's life...

YVONNE:
(WAILING) Ach! My poor mother!!!

LEROY:
(ALOUD) Ah, yes... that poor, brave, woman... a Saint! She was a Saint!
(ASIDE) Oh, what a stomach ache!
(STILL TALKING, TIRED, HE GETS ON HIS KNEES, THEN BENDS BACKWARDS AND PRESSES HIS STOMACH, LOOKS RIGHT AND LEFT FOR A CHAIR, THEN BEGS)
Yvonne... would you...

YVONNE:
What?

LEROY:
Would you like to sit down on a chair, darling?

YVONNE:
(SHARPLY, WHICH MAKES LEROY JUMP)
Oh, what's the difference?!! What does it matter if I sit on a chair or if I sit on the ground?

LEROY:
Oh, yes! Very well, then...
(HE SITS ON A STOOL)

YVONNE:
(DRAMATIC) Under the ground is where I'd like to be!!!

ANNETTE:
(NEXT TO THE CHIMNEY, PAINFULLY)
Oh! It breaks my heart! Po' Miss Yvonne!

YVONNE:
(BODY BENT BACKWARDS, PUSHING WITH HER ARMS, GRIMACING HER MOUTH, LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS STARCH ON HER FACE, SOBBING)
Ach! (TO JOSEPH) What did you put on my face? What's all this sticky stuff?!!

LEROY:
Oh, it's nothing, dear... It's just alcohol...

YVONNE:
Which alcohol?

JOSEPH:
(POINTING AT THE TABLE)
The one in the bottle...

YVONNE:
Oh, but don't be ridiculous! That's not alcohol! It's rhum liquor!

JOSEPH AND LEROY:
Rhum liquor?!!

JOSEPH:
Oh! I didn't read the label! I just smelled it...

LEROY:
Oh, you're very smart... very smart!

YVONNE:
In any case, it doesn't matter... When your heart is bleeding...
(GRIMACE... THEN TO ANNETTE)
Please get me a glass of water, Annette, so I can wash it...

ANNETTE:
Yes, M'um... Right away, M'um... (SHE EXITS THROUGH REAR RIGHT)

YVONNE:
The poor, dear, woman... Do you remember how good she was?

LEROY:
(FIRST DISTRACTED, THEN...) Who?

YVONNE:
Why, my mother, of course!

LEROY:
Oh, yes... your mother... of course...

YVONNE:
She was always so good to you... especially, to you... always forgiving you... And you! You were always so mean to her! Always quarrelling and bothering her! Just two days ago you had a big fight, and you called her an old fool!

LEROY:
Yes... But... how was I supposed to know she was going to die?

YVONNE:
Ach! Now you regret it! Now that she's gone, now you regret it! But now it's too late!

LEROY:
Oh, God!!!
(HE PUTS HIS HEAD IN HIS RIGHT ARM, HIS ELBOW ON THE BAR AT THE FOOT OF THE BED) I'm so sorry! She was a Saint! She was so good... and I...

YVONNE:
Just think that she died with your lack of respect on her mind... My saintly mother, an old fool!!!
(IN A SLOW, MONOTONOUS, TONE. LEROY APPEARS TO NOD APPROVAL, AS HE FALLS ASLEEP)
Well, leave it to your conscience... More than anyone else, I know the kind of feelings my mother had in her heart... and I can say without any doubt in my mind, that one of the last thoughts she would have had would be to say "Very well, Leroy! I forgive you!... I forgive you!..."

LEROY:
Uuh, hmmmm!

YVONNE:
She had a heart of gold, and... Leroy!!! (SLAPS HIM) You're sleeping!

LEROY:
(WAKENS QUICKLY) Huh?!! Who, me? Uh... ah... Just closed my eyelids quickly... I was thinking of your poor, dear mother...

YVONNE:
Just closed your eyelids! Mother is dead, and you're closing your eyelids! Why, shame on you!
(SHE PUSHES LEROY TO THE OTHER SIDE, WHERE HE BUMPS INTO JOSEPH)
Go on! Wake up!

LEROY AND JOSEPH:
(BUMPING ONE INTO THE OTHER) Oh!!!

YVONNE:
We have to be with her! She needs us now!

LEROY:
Oh... Are we going now?

YVONNE:
Of course we're going now! My mother needs us to be
by her side now! Surely you don't think we're going to sleep first, do you?

LEROY:
(SIGHING, LOOKS AT BED LONGINGLY) No, of course not... Why does she need us?

YVONNE:
(PUSHES LEROY ROUGHLY AS SHE PASSES TO A CHAIR ON THE LEFT SIDE OF STAGE. SHE PICKS UP HER SKIRT WHICH IS ON THE CHAIR)
Never you mind why she needs us! Her soul needs us! I know it...

LEROY:
Yes, of course... Her soul needs us...

YVONNE:
And my dress? Where's my dress?

LEROY:
(TO JOSEPH) I gave it to you!

JOSEPH:
To me?!!

LEROY:
Yes, of course!

JOSEPH:
Oh, yes... (PULLS DRESS OUT OF HIS POCKET)
Here you are, Ma'am...

YVONNE:
What?!! You had my dress in your pocket?!!

JOSEPH:
It's that your husband used it... to wash your face with alcohol...

YVONNE:
What? It's unbelievable!
(TAKES THE DRESS ROUGHLY AND SMELLS IT)
Ach!!! You've spoiled my dress! My favorite dress! And you?!! What are you waiting for to get dressed?!!

LEROY:
Ah... I have to...?

YVONNE:
(ANGRY) Of course you have to!!! You don't expect to go to my mother's funeral dressed as Santa Clause, do you? (ASIDE) Now they've spoiled my dress, too! Just what I needed!

LEROY:
No... Of course not...

YVONNE:
(TO JOSEPH) Imagine him dressed as Santa Clause...

JOSEPH:
Yes... it's funny...

YVONNE:
Oh? You think it's funny?

JOSEPH:
Oh, excuse me! I meant...

LEROY:
(TO ANNETTE THAT COMES OUT OF THE BATHROOM)
Ah! Annette! Please get me my black tweed coat, my black tie, and my black gloves...

YVONNE:
This one thinks it's funny my mother died...
(ANNETTE STARTS TO GO TO THE ROOM ON THE RIGHT, BUT STOPS WHEN YVONNE SPEAKS.)

JOSEPH:
No! No! That's not what I...

YVONNE:
Ach! No! No! (SPINS LEROY AROUND, ANGRILY)
You're not going to go dressed like that!!! You'll look as if you had been planning to be in mourning! That's not how it's done!
(SHE PUTS HER DRESS ON THE FOOT OF THE BED)

LEROY:
Oh... You're right... Just get me any coat, Annette... Get a nice one...

ANNETTE:
Yes, Suh... (SHE EXITS)

YVONNE:
(STILL ANGRY, UNDOING THE RIBBONS OF HER NIGHTGOWN, THAT SHE PREPARES TO TAKE OFF AS SHE IS ABOUT TO PUT ON HER DRESS...)
This is unreal!!!
(SHE IS IN FRONT OF THE BED, HER BACK TO JOSEPH, WHO IS LOOKING IN HER DIRECTION, BUT INDIFFERENT AND DISTRACTED...)

LEROY:
(GOES TO JOSEPH)
Hey! Why are you...
(HE IS STOPPED BY JOSEPH'S INDIFFERENT LOOK, AND HELPS HER SLIP IT OVER HER NECK, DOWN HER BACK.)
What's the matter with you? Are you out of your mind?!!

YVONNE:
(AMAZED) What?!!

LEROY:
Is this where you think you're going to get dressed? Out here?!!

YVONNE:
Oh, look, now... please!!! Whats bothering you?!!
(SHE PUTS AN ARM THROUGH THE DRESS)

LEROY:
Nothing's bothering me!!! Except that you're getting dressed out here in front of the servant!

JOSEPH:
(NON CHALANT)
Oh, well... if it bothers you that I should be here...

LEROY:
Of course it bothers me that you should be here!!!

YVONNE:
I can't believe you... I lose my mother, and you're worrying about where I get dressed!!! What do you care what he sees or doesn't see?!

LEROY:
Well, just because your mother died doesn't mean you should parade naked in front of the chauffer!!!

YVONNE:
Oh, be quiet!!!
(ANNETTE COMES IN FROM THE LEFT, CARRYING LEROY'S CLOTHES AND SHOES, ON THE TIP OF WHICH IS A HAT. TO ANNETTE...)
Annette, come help me with this...
(YVONNE EXITS ON THE RIGHT, CARRYING VARIOUS ARTICLES OF CLOTHES)

LEROY:
(AS ANNETTE PLACES HIS CLOTHES ON THE CHAIR ON THE LEFT OF STAGE, HIS SHOES ON THE FLOOR, AND HAT...)
Ach! What a night this has been!!! What a night!!!

JOSEPH:
Fortunately it doesn't happen every day...

LEROY:
Oh, now listen... if you think you're being funny... And you, Annette... What's the matter? Why are you here?

ANNETTE:
I just do'in my jobs, Suh...

LEROY:
O.K. Now get out of here! (AS ANNETTE EXITS ON THE RIGHT, TO JOSEPH, PUTTING HIS RIGHT ARM ON HIS RIGHT SHOULDER)
And now you, my friend... I want you to help me...

JOSEPH:
Of course, Sir...

LEROY:
You're a smart boy, aren't you?

JOSEPH:
Oh yes, Sir!

LEROY:
Good! Then... there! Uh... you... (JOSEPH COMES FORWARD) Well, now... where are you going?

JOSEPH:
(PERPLEXED) I don't know, Sir...

LEROY:
Ach! You're smart... I don't even know what it was I wanted to tell you...
(SUDDENLY) Oh, yes!
(HE GOES TOWARDS THE DESK. JOSEPH, EAGER TO HELP, BUT NOT KNOWING WHY, FOLLOWS)
What's with you, now? I want to write... I don't need your help.

JOSEPH:
Oh, excuse me!

LEROY:
Never mind...
(HE TAKES A CHAIR, PLACES IT IN FRONT OF THE DESK, AND STARTS TO WRITE)

JOSEPH:
(AFTER A PAUSE, GOES TO LEFT OF DESK, NEXT TO LEROY WHO IS WRITING)
It wasn't easy to come here, Sir! It's the first time I've had the pleasure of meeting you and your wife, Sir... but it would have been easier to come to say you had won the lottery than to bring such bad news!
(LEROY CONTINUES TO WRITE, SIGNALS WITH HIS HAND FOR JOSEPH TO BE QUIET. JOSEPH DOESN'T NOTICE...)
I'm glad that's over! I wouldn't like to ever have to do it again...

LEROY:
(STILL WRITING) You're interrupting my thoughts...

JOSEPH:
Oh, excuse me, Sir!
(HIS HANDS BEHIND HIS BACK, HIS CAP IN HIS HANDS, HE GOES TO THE FOOT OF THE BED)

LEROY:
Annette!
(HE LICKS THE BORDER OF ONE OF THE STAMPED LETTERS HE HAS JUST WRITTEN)
Annette!

JOSEPH:
(LOOKS AT LEROY, THEN GOES TO THE DOOR THROUGH WHICH THE TWO WOMEN HAVE GONE OUT, OPENS, AND CALLS) Miss Annette! They're calling you!

VOICE OF ANNETTE:
I'm helping Miss Yvonne get dressed, Suh!

VOICE OF YVONNE:
Just wait a minute!

LEROY:
(LICKS THE SECOND LETTER) O.K.! O.K.!

JOSEPH:
(WITH DOOR OPEN, STILL LOOKING INSIDE THE BATHROOM)
She's almost ready, Sir... She's just putting on her dress...

LEROY:
(BANGS HIS FIST ON THE DESK, JUMPS ON JOSEPH AND PUSHES HIM TO THE CENTER OF STAGE)
What the hell do you think you're doing, sticking your nose in there?

JOSEPH:
(PERPLEXED BECAUSE HE IS BEING SCOLDED)
But...but... I was only trying to help, Sir!

LEROY:
Oh, shut up! "Only trying to help!!! Only trying to help!!!"
(JOSEPH TURNS RIGHT, THEN LEFT)
Get my clothes! There! There!
(SENDS JOSEPH TO THE LEFT)
Go on! Get out of there!
(HE GETS HIS COAT HIMSELF... WHEN HE TURNS, HE BUMPS INTO JOSEPH, WHO IS TRYING TO HELP HIM GET HIS COAT.)
Oh! Would you stop bumping into me?!!
(HE PUSHES HIM TO THE RIGHT, CLOSE TO THE FIREPLACE, AND GOES NEAR THE FOOT OF THE BED. TO JOSEPH, WHO IS COMPLETELY STUNNED.)
Oh, now... Get over here!

JOSEPH:
(RUNNING) Yes, Sir!
(DURING THE FOLLOWING, JOSEPH HELPS LEROY TAKE OFF HIS CAPE, THEN UNBUTTONS HIS VEST.)

LEROY:
(WHILE HE IS GETTING UNDRESSED) Tell me... do you have a car downstairs?

JOSEPH:
Yes, Sir...

LEROY:
Then let's hurry...

JOSEPH:
Yes, Sir... especially since the taxi meter is running...
(AFTER HE UNBUTTONS LEROY, HE GOES LEFT)

LEROY:
(APPROACHING ABOVE THE BED)
Oh, well... What else can you expect? Not every day is a holiday...

JOSEPH:
(SCANDALIZED) A holiday, Sir?!!

LEROY:
Huh? Oh, uh... What? I mean... Oh, you understand!
(WITHOUT THINKING, HE PUTS ON HIS PANTS ON TOP OF HIS SANTA CLAUSE PANTS)

ANNETTE:
(COMES OUT OF BATHROOM AND PASSES IN FRONT OF LEROY, WHO IS GETTING DRESSED WITH HIS BACK TO THE AUDIENCE. SHE STOPS SUDDENLY, AT HIS LEFT.)
Was you callin' me, Suh?

LEROY:
(DRESSING) Ah! Are you ready?

ANNETTE:
Here I am!

LEROY:
What were you asking me?

ANNETTE:
If you was callin' me, Suh...

LEROY:
No!.. (ANNETTE TURNS TO GO) I mean, yes!!!
(CHOPPING HIS SPEECH, AS HE GETS DRESSED)
Here, take... those... there are two letters on the desk...
(JOSEPH SEES THE LETTERS AND GOES TO GET THEM)
Not you! (TO ANNETTE) You, you dummy!!! Can't you understand?! On the desk! Go downstairs and drop them in the mailbox...

ANNETTE:
Now?!!

LEROY:
Of course, now! I want them to be delivered as soon as possible!

ANNETTE:
(DISTURBED) I see... (SHE GOES TOWARDS THE LEFT DOOR)

LEROY:
(SLOPPILY PUTTING ON HIS SHIRT AND VEST, HIS SHIRT STICKING OUT IN BACK.)
Well, and where are you going?!

ANNETTE:
I is jus' goin' to put on my skirt...

LEROY:
What's the matter? You think that anybody's going to care much at five o'clock in the morning how you're dressed?

ANNETTE:
But I can't go widout my skirt, Suh... it ain't correct!

LEROY:
Well, then... put on some shorts...

ANNETTE:
I don' have no shorts...

LEROY:
There's a pair of shorts hanging in the bathroom...

ANNETTE:
In any case, it ain't right...

LEROY:
Oh, well... go on!

ANNETTE:
What I'm gonna look like, wearing shorts... people gonna tink I is a lady of pleasure!

LEROY:
Well... if you find a customer, just let me know...

ANNETTE:
What you tink?! (SHE EXITS THROUGH REAR DOOR)

LEROY:
(DRESSED, SHIRT STICKING OUT IN BACK, TO JOSEPH:)
There! Now give me my... where are my...
(SEES JOSEPH WHO, NOT KNOWING WHAT LEROY WANTS, TURNS RIGHT THEN LEFT, FINALLY EYES IN THE AIR)
My shoes! Well! They're not on the roof someplace!
(FINDS HIS SHOES AND SITS DOWN TO PUT ONE ON) Ach! You're not so smart, after all!

JOSEPH:
It's that I didn't know what you were looking for!

LEROY:
Fine... Come over here...
(JOSEPH STUMBLES ONTO HIS KNEES TO HELP LEROY. HE TAKES THE OTHER SHOE AND TRIES TO PUT IT ON HIM.)
Oh, leave me alone! (AS HE PUTS ON HIS SHOES)
Tell me... Is that a large cab waiting for us?

JOSEPH:
Compact, Sir... At this time of night I was lucky to get a cab at all...

LEROY:
Yes, it was lucky... It has certainly been a lucky night...

JOSEPH:
A lucky night, Sir?...

YVONNE:
(COMES IN FROM THE BATHROOM, WEARING A LARGE CLOAK AND A SILK HANDKERCHIEF OVER HER HAIR)
Well! Are you ready?

LEROY:
(STILL PUTTING ON HIS SHOES) Yes... in a second...

YVONNE:
(TO JOSEPH, WHO IS NEAR THE DESK) Do you have a car waiting for us?

JOSEPH:
Yes, Ma'am... downstairs...

YVONNE:
(TO LEROY) Well, what about your wig?! You don't think you're going out with your wig on, do you?!!

LEROY:
My wig?.. Oh, my Santa Clause wig!!! What do you want? I'm in such stress, I didn't even think of it...

YVONNE:
My God! I hope I have the strength to go through with this...

LEROY:
(GOES TOWARDS THE EXIT) I know how you feel.. It's a sad duty that we must perform in life...
(HE PASSES BETWEEN THE TWO, GOES OUT TO THE VESTIBULE)

YVONNE:
(LEADS JOSEPH OUT BY THE ARM. LEROY IS IN THE LOBBY JUST OUTSIDE THE DOOR... HE STOPS WHEN HIS WIFE SPEAKS, AND FOLLOWS THEIR MOVEMENT.)
Tell me...

JOSEPH:
Yes, Ma'am...

YVONNE:
Will I be able to recognize her?

JOSEPH:
Oh yes, Ma'am!

YVONNE:
Poor mother... at least tell me that she didn't suffer much...
(LEROY SITS DOWN BY THE CHIMNEY)

JOSEPH:
(HAPPY TO CONSOLE YVONNE)
Oh no, Ma'am! She was feeling fine before supper... then she had two pieces of roast beef...

YVONNE:
Two pieces of roast beef? How strange... Mother didn't like meat...

LEROY:
Your mother, two pieces of roast beef!!?

JOSEPH:
Yes... two pieces of roast beef... Then after dinner she worked on some crossword puzzles for a while... Then she went to bed with your father...

YVONNE:
To bed with my father?!! Which father? My father died ten years ago!

JOSEPH:
Er.. uh... That is... She went to bed with a man... Oh, a very nice man, of course!... A gentleman...

YVONNE:
My mother went to bed with a gentleman? Do you mean to say my mother had a lover?!!

LEROY:
Your mother? A lover? Why, I'll kill him! Who is he?!! What's his name!

JOSEPH:
Er... uh...

LEROY:
Answer!

JOSEPH:
Er... uh... Mr. Tucker...

YVONNE:
Mr. Tucker?!!

LEROY:
(SPINS JOSEPH AROUND)
Who is this Mr. Tucker? My mother-in-law didn't have any lover! Now tell me or I'll beat your brains in... Who is this Mr. Tucker?!!

JOSEPH:
Oh, my God... He's... That is... You are the Pine family, aren't you?

LEROY:
The Pine family?!! (FURIOUS, LIKE A LION ABOUT TO JUMP ON ITS PREY)
No, you fool!!! We're not the Pine family!!!
(JOSEPH RETREATS AS LEROY AND YVONNE ADVANCE ON HIM, UNTIL HE IS BACKED UP AGAINST A TABLE)

YVONNE:
(WHO HAS FOLLOWED HER HUSBAND, IN A SCISSOR MOVEMENT, WHICH PLACES HER TO HIS RIGHT)
Do we look like the Pine family, you idiot?!!

LEROY:
The Pines live down the hall, you fool !

JOSEPH:
But... uh... This is the first apartment to the left, on the third floor...

LEROY:
This is the first apartment to the left on the third floor as you come up the stairs...
But it's to the right if you come up the elevator!!!

JOSEPH:
Oh, my God... But... I came up the stairs...

YVONNE:
(FURIOUS) Well, if you would have come up the elevator... like
everybody else does... you stupid idiot!!!

JOSEPH:
Ach! Oh, no! Oh, my God!

YVONNE AND LEROY:
What?

JOSEPH:
Then I... I have to tell the Pines... I have to tell them all over again?

LEROY:
All over again? Well you haven't told them
yet... so yes... I suppose you have to tell them... For the first
time!!! Or do you expect me to go tell them for you, also?!!

JOSEPH:
Oh, no! I was so glad that I had gotten that over with...

LEROY:
Did you ever see an idiot like this in your life?!!

YVONNE:
(MARCHING TOWARDS HIM)
You came here at this hour of the night to tell me my mother is dead, when she isn't!!!

JOSEPH:
Oh, no, Ma'am, I'm very sorry... it was a mistake!

YVONNE:
Oh, shut up!!! A mistake?!!

LEROY:
Go on!!! Get the hell out of here!
(PUSHES HIM TO THE REAR OF STAGE) Fool!

YVONNE:
Idiot!!!

LEROY:
Jackass!!!

JOSEPH:
But Sir... It was a mistake! You should be happy I made a mistake!

LEROY AND YVONNE:
(JUMPING ON HIM) Happy?!!

JOSEPH:
Why, yes, Sir... Yes, Ma'am... Now your mother isn't dead, Ma'am!

LEROY:
Dummy!

YVONNE:
Idiot!

LEROY:
Lame Brain!

JOSEPH:
(ON THE DOORWAY) You should be happy that I made a mistake!
Now you're mad at me because your mother isn't dead! But it's not my fault...

YVONNE AND LEROY:
No it's not your fault... then whose fault is it? Not your fault?!!

LEROY:
Yes, get the hell out of here before I beat your brains out!!!

YVONNE:
(PUSHING JOSEPH OUT) Yes!!! Get your carcass out of here!!!

JOSEPH:
Oh, no! I don't believe this... This is unbelievable!

YVONNE:
I don't believe it either, you dumb idiot! Fool! Imbecile!
(SHE FOLLOWS JOSEPH OUT) Idiot! Fool! Jerk!

LEROY:
(AT THE DOORWAY, INSULTING JOSEPH, WHO IS OUTSIDE OF VIEW OF THE AUDIENCE)
Get out of here!.. Get out of here!..
(WE HEAR YVONNE INSULTING BETWEEN EACH "Get out of here!.." AND JOSEPH PROTESTING HIS INNOCENCE...)

YVONNE:
(STILL VERY UPSET, RETURNS TO BED, THROWS OFF HER SHAWL AND BLANKET)
Oh!

LEROY:
Oh!

YVONNE:
Oh!

LEROY:
Oh, what an idiot! What an idiot!

YVONNE:
Imagine somebody coming here at this hour and frightening us like that!
(SHE SITS BREATHLESS ON THE BENCH)

LEROY:
(ANGRY) Oh!
(AFTER A MOMENT, WITH INTENT TO GET EVEN)
So... Your mother! Now look what she's caused... Your mother!

YVONNE:
(ASTONISHED)What?!! Oh?!! Now what's the matter with you?
Does it bother you that my mother's still alive?

LEROY:
Yes! What am I going to tell the plumber now, after he finds out your mother didn't really die... Am I going to tell him it was all just a big joke?

YVONNE:
Why should you tell the plumber anything at all? What the hell does he care? And why should he ever hear anything at all about this?

LEROY:
Because I wrote to tell him I would pay him soon...

YVONNE:
(INDIGNANT)
You what?!! You wrote to tell the plumber you would pay him soon? With my mother's money?!!

LEROY:
Of course, since he's always coming to collect his money!

YVONNE:
So what?!!

LEROY:
So, I wrote to tell him I would be able to pay him soon, since I had had the... misfortune... of losing my mother in law. But now I haven't...

YVONNE:
Oh, I don't believe you would have written something like that! You mean to say you were already counting her money before she was even buried?!!

LEROY:
No, but... how was I supposed to imagine that she hadn't really died? Oh, that idiot! That idiot!

YVONNE:
(JUMPS ON HIM LIKE A TIGRESS)
How do you dare call my mother an idiot?!! How do you dare call her an idiot?!!

LEROY:
Not your mother! Him!.. That other idiot!

YVONNE:
That other idiot? And who's the other one?

LEROY:
O.K.! O.K.! He's one idiot, and your mother's another idiot too!

YVONNE:
Oh! You miserable bastard! You bastard!
(A DOORBELL IS HEARD RINGING SOMEWHERE ELSE. YVONNE, STERNLY)

YVONNE:
Hush! Shut up!

LEROY:
What is it?

YVONNE:
It's the messenger ringing the bell next door...

LEROY:
Is he? Well, what do I care?

YVONNE:
(JUMPING JOYFULLY)
It was the neighbor's mother who died! It was their mother, not mine!

LEROY:
And so, of course that makes you happy... You rejoice with the misfortune of others... you shit!

YVONNE:
(HAPPY, JUMPS INTO HER BED)
Of course! When I think that it wasn't my mother...

LEROY:
Oh, yes, sure... We're fine, thank you!

ANNETTE:
(ENTERS, WEARING A LONG OVERCOAT BELONGING TO LEROY)
Dere! I done it!

LEROY:
(JUMPS TOWARDS HER)
Ach! The letters... What did you do with the letters I gave you?

ANNETTE:
(WALKING BACKWARDS) Why, I trew dem in de post office box, like you tol' me to do...

LEROY:
I knew it! She threw them in the post office box!

ANNETTE:
An' what did you want me to do? Isn't dat what you tol' me to do?

LEROY:
Ach! What I told you to do! That was because we thought Mrs. Yvonne's mother had died!

YVONNE:
Yes! And now we don't!

ANNETTE:
Good God! Dey's crazy!

YVONNE:
(HAPPY) It wasn't my mother! It was the neighbor's mother! The messenger came to the wrong apartment!

ANNETTE:
No! De neighbor's modder, not yors? Is dat true?!!

LEROY:
(ANGRY) Yes it's true!

ANNETTE:
Ay!! Miss Yvonne, dat makes me so happy!

LEROY:
I knew it! She's happy also!
(ASIDE) Women!

YVONNE:
Well, of course! What did you expect I be?

ANNETTE:
He's furious because my mother's alive! Beast!

LEROY:
Your mother! Because of your mother I haven't been able to get to sleep all night!

YVONNE:
Oh, is that right?!! I suppose it was my mother that invited you to go to a nude masquerade party until after 4:00 o'clock in the morning?!! You always blame everything on my mother! I think you would have been happier if right now we would have been going to her funeral!

LEROY:
Unfortunately we weren't so lucky! (SUDDENLY) Oh my God! The funeral!

YVONNE:
What?

LEROY:
My letter to (The Heavenly) Funeral Parlor! You sent it, I suppose! (note: use name of a well-known funeral parlor)

ANNETTE:
Of course I sent it! You askt me to send it, I send it...

LEROY:
Of course... always in such a hurry to do everything right, when I don't want you to... I sent a letter to The Heavenly Funeral Parlor asking them to come tomorrow morning, to prepare the funeral...

YVONNE:
(JUMPING TO HER KNEES ON THE BED, FURIOUS) You did that?!!

LEROY:
Of course I did that! Isn't that what has to be done when somebody has died?

YVONNE:
(ADVANCING ON HER KNEES) You want to kill her, don't you? You're after her blood!

LEROY:
Oh, leave me alone... I'll call them tomorrow morning to cancel the funeral... I'll tell them the deceased is alive! Oh... I hope there won't be any cancellation charges...

YVONNE:
You beast! You wish my mother was dead! You want to kill my mother!

LEROY:
Oh, be quiet! Enough of this! Your mother is costing me good money! Now, I want to go to sleep!

YVONNE:
You want to go to sleep?! Murderer! Scoundrel! Criminal! He wants to kill my mother!

(EVERYONE SCREAMING TOGETHER)

LEROY:
Oh, shut up! Shut up!

ANNETTE:
(TRYING TO SEPARATE THEM) Please! Please! Stop it! I's leavin' in de morning! Dis house is madness! A body can't find no peace and quiet here...

YVONNE:
He wants to kill my mother!

LEROY:
(TURNING TOWARD HIS BEDROOM)
Ach! I prefer to sleep on the maid's bed!

ANNETTE:
Please pay me what you owes me... I's leavin' now!

YVONNE:
And he says my breasts are sagging! He says my breasts are sagging!

ANNETTE:
Good God! Please stop it! M'um! Suh!

LEROY:
I can't stand it! Enough! I'm getting out of here!

YVONNE:
He likes her breasts more than mine! He says my breasts are sagging!

LEROY:
Ach! Enough of this! Enough of this! Good night! (HE EXITS, FURIOUS)

THE END