Revenge!
or
By The Window
A Play in One Act
Original Title in French: Par la Fenetre
by
Georges Feydeau
Esta obra en Espaņol:
Venganza
Translated and adapted from French by
Ellis Toussier
Horacio 1729-5
Colonia Los Morales
Mexico City, D. F. 11510
Mexico
Tel: (52-55) 5280-3644
Copyright, 1997, Ellis Toussier. All rights reserved.
Permission is given to reproduce this translation in print, or
on video or audio tape, on condition that a copy is sent to
Ellis Toussier and this copyright notice is always
included. Permission is also given to perform the play without
cost to the audience, if Ellis Toussier is sent an invitation to
be present. Permission to perform the play before a paying
audience, or any other commercial use of this play requires
written permission from Ellis Toussier.
ON ONE SIDE, A LIVING ROOM DECORATED IN GOOD TASTE... ON THE
OTHER SIDE, A WELL EQUIPPED KITCHEN... A DOOR LEADS FROM THE
LIVING ROOM TO THE OUTSIDE OF THE HOUSE. THERE IS A LARGE
WINDOW IN THE LIVING ROOM, WHICH IS CLOSED WHEN THE PLAY BEGINS.
THE TABLE IS SET FOR ONE PERSON, AND THERE ARE PLATES NEARBY.
HECTOR:
(IN THE KITCHEN, SPEAKING TO HIMSELF AS HE COOKS)
If anybody would see me frying these eggs they would think I'm
a cook... but... of course I'm not a cook! I'm a lawyer!
Really... a lawyer! Damn! It's not my fault I have to cook my
own breakfast... It's my wife's... she's beautiful, and I love
her... but she's so jealous! Yesterday morning she made a
terrible drama because I asked Rose, our maid, to please set the
table for a guest... How does she expect me to speak to Rose
without looking at her? Then at night, I was looking for my
slippers... I asked Rose, who was standing next to my wife,
"please get me my slippers..." I tried not even to look at her
when I asked her... And what happened? My wife got furious! She
said I was bossing her around in front of the maid... She left
the house to sleep at her mother's home... but before she left,
she fired Rose! So today I'm alone in the house... alone, but
carefully watched over by Mrs. Feinbaum, our nosey neighbor
below... Mrs. Feinbaum would never miss a chance to report to my
wife at what time I went out, at what time I came in, if I had
any visitors... but you're going to hate me today, Mrs. Feinbaum...
I haven't gone out, and I haven't had any visitors... and now
I'm going to have breakfast alone... It's true I love my wife...
I would be willing to die for her... but I don't want to die of
starvation! Dying of starvation is not...
(DOORBELL RINGS)
What's that? The doorbell! Oh good! My wife's back!
(DOORBELL RINGS INSISTENTLY. HECTOR OPENS THE DOOR)
EMMA:
(COMES IN, VERY AGITATED)
Oh! What took you so long to open the door? Didn't you hear me
ringing?
HECTOR:
Yes, ma'am, but...
EMMA:
"Yes, ma'am, but..." You fool!
(SHE ENTERS AND PEERS OUT THE WINDOW)
Quick! I want to speak to your boss!
HECTOR:
My boss? But... I am my boss!
EMMA:
You? You're your boss? But then... why did you open the door?
Why are you dressed like the butler? Why...?
HECTOR:
Madam, I opened the door because I don't have a
butler...
and I'm not dressed like the butler... these are the clothes I
wear! I'm a lawyer!
EMMA:
You? A lawyer? Oh, but... in that case, please accept my
apologies! I treated you as if you were the servant! You're not,
I can see that now...
HECTOR:
(TO HIMSELF)
Oh! The insults you have to accept from customers!
EMMA:
Well, Sir, if we may, let us get down to the reason why I'm
here!
HECTOR:
Of course, Madam... I'm at your service... can you please
tell me what brings you here?
EMMA:
(SITS DOWN. SHE REMOVES HER HAT AND FUR COAT)
Yes, sir... it's a long story...
HECTOR:
(GROANS, TO HIMSELF)
Oh, no! She sits down, and I haven't had my breakfast yet!
EMMA:
Sir!
HECTOR:
Madam!
EMMA:
Are you a gentleman?
HECTOR:
I beg your pardon? Am I gentleman? "To be a gentleman
or not to be a gentleman?... That is the question!..."
EMMA:
Please, Sir! This is no time for you to give a speech!
Answer the question!... Are you a gentleman?
HECTOR:
Madam, that depends on your point of view... there are
gentlemen, and there are gentlemen... As my father always used to say, it is...
EMMA:
Oh! You don't understand me! I mean... morally...
HECTOR:
What?!! My God! Am I a gentleman, morally? Yes, Madam, I
suppose I'm a gentleman... morally!...
(ASIDE)
What does she want?!!
EMMA:
Well then... Sir! I have come to ask you for a service!
HECTOR:
Yes, of course...
EMMA:
I'll make it one grand!
HECTOR:
One grand?!!
(ASIDE)
She sets the fee, too! But what would my wife think if she
should walk in?
EMMA: Sir, I'm a married woman!
HECTOR:
Madam, really? Ouf! Now I can breathe a little easier...
Please... let's sit down...
(HE SITS ON THE OPPOSITE SIDE OF THE TABLE FROM HER)
EMMA:
I have a husband...
HECTOR:
Yes, of course...
EMMA:
Why do you say "of course" when I say I have a husband?
HECTOR:
Well... I said "of course" because... since you said you're
a married woman, then of course you have a husband!
EMMA:
Of course!
HECTOR:
(ASIDE)
And of course, too, my breakfast is getting cold!... Oh!
EMMA:
Yes... I have a husband... A very jealous husband! Sir! My
husband is so jealous that he's constantly embarassing me
in public with his unfounded accusations!
HECTOR:
Ah! I understand...
EMMA:
You understand?
HECTOR:
Yes, of course... You've come to hire my services...
EMMA:
Exactly!
HECTOR:
(TAKES A PAD OF PAPER AND BEGINS TO TAKE NOTES)
Yes... gladly... Let me see... Do you know if your husband is
cheating on you? Do you have any letters? Is there anything
else that we can use to build a case against him?
EMMA:
Against him?!! But what are you saying?
HECTOR:
But, Madam... I thought that maybe you would want to seek a
legal separation from him... perhaps a divorce... and that
since I'm a lawyer...
EMMA:
A divorce?!! But I never said anything about a divorce! I love
my husband, Sir!
HECTOR:
Oh, you do? Well, fine... that's very good... but... What
exactly is it that you've come to see me for? What are you
complaining about?
EMMA:
What I'm complaining about, Sir, is that my husband is very
jealous!
HECTOR:
But, Madam, that's not my fault! What do you expect me to do
about it? Have you come here to tell me that your husband is
jealous?
EMMA:
(STANDS, INDIGNANT)
But, Sir, there's no reason for him to be so jealous! Do you
understand? There's no reason! Of course you don't believe
for one moment that there would be any reason for him to
be so jealous, do you, Sir?
HECTOR:
But, Madam, I've never said that I think...
(ASIDE)
Oh my God! Where did she come from?
EMMA:
(GOES TO THE WINDOW)
Imagine! Him accusing me that I've been unfaithful... screaming and yelling and telling me that I don't love him... hah!
HECTOR:
(STARING AT THE EGGS)
Oh, she's never going to leave. And I'm dying of hunger!
EMMA:
(RESOLUTELY, APPROACHES HECTOR)
Sir! I come to you because you're my neighbor... You live
right across the street from my apartment...
HECTOR:
I'm honored, Madam... But are you going to visit all your
neighbors to tell them your husband is jealous?
EMMA:
(LYING DOWN ON THE SOFA, NEAR THE WINDOW)
And now, Sir... I want you to make love to me!
HECTOR:
(ASIDE)
What?!! She's crazy! Me make love to her?
(TO EMMA)
You want me to do what to you?!!
EMMA:
Love... make love to me, Sir!... Now! Do you understand English?
But before you do, Sir, I want to make one thing very clear...
HECTOR:
Oh, Madam! What kind of joke is this? Who are you? A
Juliette looking for her Romeo...
EMMA:
(MATTER OF FACTLY...)
Sir! You're ugly...
HECTOR:
What?!!
EMMA:
Don't interrupt me! You're ugly... and very dull... rather
stupid... a bit pot bellied... and not at all sexually
attractive to me! No... not at all... you're sexually
unattractive to me...
HECTOR:
But... Madam!... You're very kind... Yes! A bit crude in
your choice of words when you give compliments, but very
kind... yes...
(LOUD)
Thank you, Madam!
EMMA:
Yes, sir... that's what I think of you.. I don't want you
to think that I'll enjoy this!
HECTOR:
Enjoy this, Madam? But why should you enjoy it?
EMMA:
Oh, it's that men are so conceited! But now that you know the
truth... now you won't be able to pretend that I'm enjoying
it... now, we can begin! Make love to me!
(LIES DOWN AND CLOSES HER EYES)
HECTOR:
Oh, come now! Madam, you must be joking!
EMMA:
I'm not joking at all!
HECTOR:
Do you mean to make me believe that... come on! Please stop
your act and tell me why you're here!
EMMA:
I'm here, Sir, because I want you to make love to me!...
Right here and now!
HECTOR:
But, Madam!... I don't love you!
EMMA:
So what? I don't love you either!
HECTOR:
But... but... I don't even know you!
EMMA:
And I don't know you, either!...
HECTOR:
But Madam... I'm married!
EMMA:
Sir... I'm married too!
HECTOR:
(FURIOUS)
Oh! I don't believe this! I can't understand...
(GRABS EGGS AND A LOAF OF BREAD AND CRAWLS UNDER THE TABLE)
EMMA:
Look, Sir... I'm asking you to make love to me because I
want to give a lesson to my husband that he'll never forget...
I want to get even with him for his eternal accusations...
for all the scandals he has caused, when in fact I've been
absolutely faithful to him! This is the reason why I've come
to ask you for your assistance... Now do you understand?
HECTOR:
(FROM UNDER THE TABLE)
No!... You said I'm dull! I agree! I don't understand
anything!
(MAKES A SANDWICH WHICH HE BEGINS TO DEVOUR)
EMMA:
(ASIDE)
Ah! Men! Always... idiots or wildly jealous!
(OUT LOUD)
It doesn't matter... let's begin... here, near the window...
(OPENS THE WINDOW)
HECTOR:
Hey! What're you doing?!!
EMMA:
You can see what I'm doing... I'm opening the window!
HECTOR:
But it's freezing outside!
(CRAWLS OUT FROM UNDER THE TABLE)
EMMA:
Well, turn on the heater!
HECTOR:
But why should I turn on the heater if it's so much more
logical to close the window? Please, Madam... close the
window!
(ASIDE)
Oh, she's very decidedly mad!
EMMA:
(POINTING TO THE HOUSE ACROSS THE STREET)
But if I close the window, how is Mustafa supposed to see us?
HECTOR:
Mustafa? Who is Mustafa?
EMMA:
My husband... Mustafa...
HECTOR:
Who? Oh, yes... your husband... Mustafa... Madam, close the
window!
EMMA:
(ASIDE)
He's crazy...
HECTOR:
(ASIDE)
She's absolutely crazy!...
(ALOUD)
If you continue to leave the window open, I warn you... I'll
start sneezing!
EMMA:
Don't worry... I have plenty of tissue paper... Come on!
HECTOR:
(COMES OUT FROM UNDER THE TABLE. ASIDE...)
Oh! She's killing me!
(ALOUD)
At least let me put something on...
EMMA:
Of course! Here! Put on my fur coat...
(SHE PUTS HER FUR COAT ON HIS BACK)
There! Now you're covered and you'll be warm!
(SHE SITS)
HECTOR:
But when will I have my breakfast?
EMMA:
What? You haven't had your breakfast yet? Come, sit down, then... we'll have breakfast together...
(GOES TO THE TABLE)
Oh, how thoughtless of me... I should have guessed it seeing
this table... Come, Sir, sit down quickly, and let's have
breakfast!
HECTOR:
(DUMBFOUNDED, ASIDE)
But... I haven't even invited her!
(ALOUD)
Excuse me, Madam, but...
EMMA:
What is it? Speak up, man!
HECTOR:
Excuse me, but... but... I haven't invited you!
EMMA:
(GRATIOUSLY)
Oh, that! Don't worry, Sir! You're forgiven! Now, come...
sit down here, on my right... the seat of honor!
HECTOR:
(SITS, STUPEFIED)
The seat of honor? But... now it's she that
invites me!
EMMA:
Ah! We're missing a setting... Ring for your maid!
HECTOR:
My maid? But I have no maid! I'm my own maid!
EMMA:
What?!! No servant? And you say you're a lawyer?
HECTOR:
Yes! A lawyer by profession... and a house maid by neccesity,
since my wife dismissed the servant yesterday!...
EMMA:
There! Just like me! I fired my maid also! Well, now, since
you're the maid, go fetch a knife and fork so we can begin to
have breakfast!
HECTOR:
But, Madam!
EMMA:
I can't go myself... I don't know where you keep your cutlery...
now, go! Go!
(TAPS HER FOOT IMPATIENTLY)
HECTOR:
(ASIDE)
Oh! This can't be happening to me!
EMMA:
You said something?
(TAPS HER FOOT LOUDER)
HECTOR:
(ASIDE)
Oh, no! Mrs. Feinbaum is below!
(ALOUD)
I said... I said I'm going!...
(ASIDE, EXITS)
Oh! She's killing me!
EMMA:
(TO HERSELF, PEEKING OUT THE WINDOW)
So, dear husband, you're jealous, are you? So you accuse your
wife? You pretend that I cheat on you? Well, since that's
what you believe, now I want you to have good reason to believe it! You'll deserve what you'll get... Ah, yes, you will
certainly deserve it!
HECTOR:
(RETURNS)
Here they are... a knife and a fork... Brrr! How cold it is
now!
EMMA:
Ah! You're back! Good! Come help me!
HECTOR:
Help you?
EMMA:
Yes! Help me carry this table next to the window!
HECTOR:
(RESISTING)
Oh, no! No! I've had enough!
(TUGS AT TABLE. THEY TUG BACK AND FORTH)
EMMA:
What? You refuse to help me carry the table?
HECTOR:
Of course I refuse! Whoever heard of putting a table next to an
open window in the middle of winter?!! It's madness! Complete
madness!
(SNEEZES)
Aaachuuu! Now you've done it! I have a cold!
EMMA:
Gesundheit!
HECTOR:
(ASIDE)
Oh, go to hell!
EMMA:
Sir, I'll have you notice that if you would've accepted to
do as I said, we would've already finished by now!
HECTOR:
(MISPRONOUNCING WORDS)
Badam, be too, I'll have you dotice dat...
(SNEEZES)
Aaachuuu!
(SNEEZES SEVERAL TIMES)
Now I hab a bad code...
(COVERS HIS HEAD WITH A WHITE NAPKIN, RAISES THE LAPELS OF HIS COAT AROUND HIS NECK, CLEARS HIS NOSE WITH TISSUE PAPER...)
EMMA:
Well, in any case, I warn you that if you don't do as I say, I'm going to tell your wife that you've made love to me...
HECTOR:
What?!! No! You wouldn't do a thing like that! That would be
truly a devilish thing to do!
(ASIDE)
Oh, my God! Women! Who will ever understand women?!!
(SNEEZES)
EMMA:
In that case, please accept to do as I ask...
HECTOR:
But, Madam, that's impossible! Please think about what you're
asking me to do!
EMMA:
I've thought about it very well... my husband dares to doubt
me... I want him to be punished! And since he's jealous, I
want him to suffer from his own jealousy! That will be my
revenge!
HECTOR:
But have you thought of what will be the result of your act?
EMMA:
By God, of course I have... he'll kill you!
HECTOR:
What?!! He'll kill me?
EMMA:
Well, yes... of course, unless you kill him first! But I hope
you aren't seriously planning to make me a widow!
HECTOR:
But Madam!...
EMMA:
Oh, it'll be a duel to the death, for sure! Mustafa has
told me many times that he would fight to the death if his
honor is tainted... in the manner of his country...
HECTOR:
But duels have been outlawed for more than a century! What
country is he from?
EMMA:
Saudi Barbaria...
HECTOR:
Saudi Barbaria?!! But dueling is against the law! It's awful!
EMMA:
Yes... It's awful, isn't it?
HECTOR:
But I don't want to fight a duel to the death with your husband!
EMMA:
Oh, Sir... I think there's no other way... his honor...
HECTOR:
It's out of the question!
EMMA:
Why not? Are you afraid?
HECTOR:
Am I afraid? Madam, I've never been a fighter like that! I
fight with words, not with swords!
EMMA:
Oh, but Sir, it won't be with swords... It will be with bullets! Mustafa is an expert marksman! Oh! I'm so proud of him!
HECTOR:
Not with swords and not with bullets! I don't want to fight
with your husband at all!
EMMA:
(ASIDE, SCORNFULLY)
Chis! Men today...!
HECTOR:
No! Believe me, Madam... what you should do is to seek a
divorce... it's a great deal easier... and far less dangerous
for me!
EMMA:
Divorce! But that's not revenge... I repeat that I love my
husband... the revenge I seek is to give him good reason to
be so jealous... not to divorce him!
HECTOR:
(NEAR THE WINDOW)
In that case, Madam...
EMMA:
No... that won't do...
(FORCING HIM TO SIT)
Come now, sit here and make love to me!
HECTOR:
Forget it! Never!
EMMA:
Ah! What's that? Look! Look! My husband with another woman!
Oh, that's terrible! The skunk! The miserable... Quick! My
coat! Where's my coat?!!
HECTOR:
Your coat?!! Where's your coat?!!
(THEY BOTH LOOK FOR HER COAT)
EMMA:
(SEEING HER COAT ON HIS SHOULDERS)
But can't you see that you're wearing my coat? Give me my
coat!
(SNAPS THE COAT OFF HIS SHOULDERS, PUTS IT ON, AND LEAVES)
Oh! I'll scratch his eyes out!
(EXIT EMMA)
HECTOR:
Ouuf! She's gone! Finally! What a crazy dame! My God... what
a crazy dame! I thought I would die... if she comes back she
can knock until tomorrow but I won't open the door... let her
rot! I had enough of her! She made me catch a cold... Well...
I think I can close the window now...
(HE GETS UP TO CLOSE THE WINDOW)
But... what's this I see? That must be her husband with another
woman... but... No! No! It's not possible! But it's true!
That dress! I recognize my wife's pink dress! It's not a
mistake... it's my wife! But... oh, horror! That damn Mustafa
is flirting with my wife! Oh, that miserable Barbarian!... And my wife! She said she was going to her mother's house... Never trust a woman to do as she says... Oh! But I won't let things stay like this! I'm going to get my revenge, do you hear? I'll fight him to the death! With swords... or guns if you prefer, you Barbarian lover... I'll be alright... I think... I'll practice for a month...
(HAS AN IDEA)
No! I have a better idea! I'll have my own choice of revenge on her! Before she has a chance to cheat me, I'll cheat her! Oh! If that crazy woman would only return...
(DOORBELL RINGS)
The doorbell! It's her!
(RUSHES TO OPEN THE DOOR)
HECTOR:
(AGITATED)
Enter, Madam! Quickly!
EMMA:
(ENTERS, LAUGHING)
Oh, Sir, it was so funny!
HECTOR:
Ah! Madam, please... this is no time for laughing...
EMMA:
But why should it bother you? What's going on?
HECTOR:
What's going on, Madam, is the proposition you made to me
before... I accept! But hurry! Here, next to the window!
(BEGINS TO UNDRESS)
EMMA:
But, Sir! What are you doing? I don't want to make love to
you anymore!
HECTOR:
What?!! What do you mean, you don't want to make love to me? I
need to make love to you... now! Now it's I that must get my
revenge... they must suffer the law of the talon... an eye for
an eye... a tooth for a tooth... a wife for a wife!
EMMA:
But, Sir!
HECTOR:
(APPROACHING HER)
Ah! Come, Madam... here, near the window... let me embrace you! Let them see us making love... I'll cover you with kisses... well... in any case... I'll make love to you!
EMMA:
But, Sir! You're completely mad! What could possibly make you think that I would want to make love to you? I hardly know you!
HECTOR:
I also hardly know you... Madam... quick!
EMMA:
But Sir! I'm a married woman!
HECTOR:
Yes, of course, Madam! We've been through that before... I
too am a married man... Now, Madam, hurry, before they leave!
EMMA:
No! No! Sir, you must return to your senses... Stop!!!
HECTOR:
What?!! Don't you see that my wife is about to make love to
your husband... your Mustafa?!!
EMMA:
Your wife? Surely you're joking!
HECTOR:
Yes! I'm joking! It's all a crazy joke! As if I didn't recognize
her pink dress!
EMMA:
Her pink dress? No! Calm down! My husband isn't with your
wife... he's with our new maid!
HECTOR:
Your new maid? Am I to think I can't believe my own eyes?
That pink dress... "shocking pink" is what it is...
EMMA:
But, no! It's not your wife! It's our new maid who's wearing
the pink dress... Rose! You should know who she is, since she
says she last worked with you!
HECTOR:
Rose? You mean Rose, the maid my wife fired yesterday?
EMMA:
Yes, Sir! Rose! She came to ask for work, and since I wasn't
at home, my husband answered the door and hired her!
HECTOR:
But the pink dress... Ah! Of course! Now I remember... my wife
gave it to her! Ah, Madam, you've taken such a heavy weight off my heart! It's as if... oh, my poor wife! And I suspected her
of... Oh! How I'll beg her to forgive me when I see her!
EMMA:
And you'll be right to ask her to forgive you, too! That's
exactly what my husband asked me to do... and I forgave him!
HECTOR:
Then you don't want to get revenge on him anymore?
EMMA:
Me? Revenge on him? No, of course not! But you know... he saw us standing by the window...
HECTOR:
(SCARED)
He saw us?!!
EMMA:
Yes!... but since he's a bit near-sighted, he didn't see us
very well... He asked me to tell him who was the old lady I was
speaking to...
HECTOR:
The old lady? Come on! The old lady was me!
EMMA:
Exactly! And I told him it was the mother-in-law of one of my
lady friends... problem solved!
HECTOR:
Mother in law? Me?!! A mother-in-law?!! How humiliating! Oh,
well... better to be a mother-in-law than to have to fight a
duel to the death with your husband... the marksman...
EMMA:
And now, Sir, it's time for me to leave. I only came back to
thank you for your help...
HECTOR:
(SURPRISED)
For my help? How did I help you?
EMMA:
Of course... if my husband had not seen that I was with a woman, he wouldn't have realized he was wrong... so he begged me to forgive him!
HECTOR:
Well... yes... you were with another woman... oh! How humiliating! but... I suppose from his point of view, that's true...
EMMA:
So I leave... until we meet again sometime...
HECTOR:
Ah! Madam, it was a pleasure to serve you!
(BOWING)
Madam!
EMMA:
(BOWING)
Sir!
(THEY HEAR BANGING ON THE FLOOR)
What's that?
HECTOR:
Oh, don't pay any attention to that... it's my neighbor below...
she's banging because she has nothing interesting to report to
my wife... Tomorrow I promise I'll find another apartment!
(BOWING)
Madam!
EMMA:
(BOWING)
Sir!
The End
*******************************************
Also by Ellis Toussier-Ades Bigio-Antebi:
Full scripts available,
3 act plays by Georges Feydeau, read full scripts free of charge.
Read the synopsis:
synopsis, Cuckold Schmuckold
synopsis, The Ribald System
Revenge (Par la Fenetre)
Rest In Peace (Feu, la Mere de Madame)
Please write to me at:
etoussier@hotmail.com
THANKS FOR YOUR VISIT